Hammer Toes Make Me Sick!

9/6/07

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven’t updated in some time. I’ve had psoriasis.

Last night I set a world record in baseball by hitting two homers in a single inning. That has never been done before, except in the Negro Leagues. But they played seven outs per inning, so it’s not the same.

After the game, I rode the 4-train from Yankee Stadium into Manhattan so I could be around my people. Everyone seemed a little confused about why I was there, but after a while the guys slapped me on the back and said nice things and it was cool. Finally, around 59th street, enough fans left and I found a seat. A beautiful woman sat down next to me. She smiled in a very meaningful way, and pretty soon we were holding hands. It was AWESOME, but I had no idea how bad things were about to get.

The nightmare started when my waist bag fell to the floor. I bent down, and happened to see my new girlfriend’s feet, clad in sandals.

She had a hammer toe. She had a disgusting hammer toe. I tried to keep my cool, but I kept seeing the deformed monstrosity in my head, and pretty soon I panicked and shouted “hammer toe!” I jumped up, lost my balance, tripped over a baby carriage, stumbled, and finally found the nearest emergency button. Some old lady was parked in front of it, sipping a thermos of milk, and I slapped it right out of her hands. Milk went everywhere, but I was focused on the button. I punched it down and screamed into the intercom:

“This is A-ROD! Medical emergency! Stop the train! Medical emergency! Hammer toe!”

The conductor didn’t hear what I said, so he stopped the train to be safe. By the time I finished hyperventilating, I had to talk to the police for an hour. They dredged up some pretty rotten memories about hammer toes, and the evening was ruined.

Oh, and get this: the hammer toe woman? A prostitute!