Trouble with the FBI

8/28/07

Crap.

Apparently, while I was in a blind panic rollerblading from Detroit to Toledo, Ohio, I accidentally crossed over into Ontario.

Ontario is part of Canada.

Somehow nobody caught me, because I snuck in behind an RV, but a security camera has footage of me in both countries. I was in Canada for a total of fifteen minutes, only lingering by the border, but I guess that doesn’t matter. I got a letter from the FBI saying the incident comprises two separate illegal border crossings, first into Canada and then back to the United States. The penalty for illegal entry into Canada is up to two years’ imprisonment; for illegal entry into the States, a further one year. I could be spending the next three years in jail.

Then, just when it seemed like things couldn’t get worse, the tape showed me on the side of the road in Canada, less than fifty feet from the border, tugging at the leaves of a nearby tree. For whatever reason, I started ripping a bunch off and jamming them into my waist-bag. Doesn’t seem like a big deal, right?

Well, it was a Red Mulberry, which is the most endangered tree in Ontario. Now the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Constabulary is trying to prosecute me for “damage to an at-risk species.” And because the leaves can be used for medicinal purposes, and I still had some in my waist-bag when I came back to America, I’m being charged with drug smuggling by Michigan authorities.

Things are getting really bad for me, and now the Yankees have to play Boston, who are like ten times better than us.

In better news, I might learn how to play the bagpipes.