Grocery Nightmare!

8/17/07

Yesterday sucked! We got beat up pretty bad by the Tigers (and all their players had the flu), which I guess is annoying. But the worst part of the day came in the afternoon, before I went to the stadium, at the grocery store.

Food shopping is usually pretty sweet. I go to a joint called Topps, and most of the time I can just relax, check out some good eats, and maybe meet a few cute girls ;). Grocery stores are great for that. But yesterday’s trip was terrible!

It started off well enough, with a quick stroll through the cereal aisle to pick up some Cinnamon Life. They had plenty in stock, and I tossed a couple boxes in my basket and headed for the vegetable section.

There, they have these huge rolls of plastic bags on top of thin metal stands, and you have to rip each bag off individually. You’ve all seen them before. One thing I like to do is tug real quick and then rip the bag dramatically. That usually impresses the ladies if they’re standing nearby.

Well, it just so happened that two good looking ladies were looking at the Braeburn apples a few feet away. I coughed loudly so they’d look my way, and executed my pull and tear move. But the stupid bag didn’t break! I ended up pulling out like six feet of plastic. The girls looked at me and kind of giggled. I knew I had to save face, so I tugged again at a hard downward angle.

Disaster. The whole stand came crashing down. I had to jump out of the way so it wouldn’t hit my foot, and I kind of stumbled into the heads of lettuce. A couple fell to the floor, and I may have kicked one in frustration. Lettuce really explodes when you kick it! One of the girls said “what’s he doing?”

A manager came up after that, and made me leave the bag. Plus, I had to pay for the stupid lettuce, which was probably rotten anyway. Before I left, I let him know in no uncertain terms that the metal stand wasn’t heavy enough to support the bags, and that I wouldn’t hesitate to report them for a safety hazard if they didn’t get new ones within a month. I marked the date on my calendar right in front of him, so he knows I won’t forget.

Later, at the check-out, still pretty upset at the sub-standard bag system, I noticed the woman ahead of me had a jar of dill pickles. They looked awesome — like something that could really cheer me up. I knew I’d lose my place in line if I went back to get some, though. I’m a Yankee, and I don’t have time to waste. Torre always yells at me for being late, and I was already cutting it close. Thinking fast, I offered to buy them from her at double price. But she was a stubborn, ugly woman who probably didn’t even know who I was, and she kept saying I should just get some of my own. People around me were whispering, and I saw the manager start to come over, so I upped the ante and offered her a thousand dollars for the jar. “That’ll teach her to refuse an offer from A-Rod,” I thought.

Finally, she agreed, and I bought the pickles. The people around me stopped whispering, and I gave them my patented “I told you so” smile. If they thought A-Rod was the kind of dude who messes around, they learned an important lesson.

Afterward, though, a thousand dollars seemed like an awful lot to spend, and I got so mad that I just threw the pickles into the gutter. It was a pretty crappy day all around, and then the Tigers thing happened.

Talk to you guys soon,

A-Rod